Libertarian meat eater, right wing in the sense of conservative with a small c.

Thursday, 15 May 2008

The Mirror, pure comedy

While going through the news today I stumbled upon this form the Mirror regarding the draft Queen's Speech and the OEGK's relaunch. Frankly I think Stalin would have been pleased to get such a positive response from Pravda. Let's have a look at the proposals and the Mirror's interpretation:


Newcomers will be made to learn English and contribute economically under Citizenship, Immigration and Borders Bill.

What It Means For You: End of whole streets where nobody speaks English.

Translation: We promise not to let any more darkies in.


Councils may be forced to respond to petitions. Community Empowerment Bill also gives residents a greater say in how they want services run.

What It Means For You: End of "town hall knows best".

Translation: Councils may be forced to tell you to fuck off rather than just ignoring you. The Community Empowerment Bill, (the weasel wording of that makes me feel slightly nauseous), will allow you to waste your time and taxpayers money for no effect because the residents will still have sod all power over the council compared to central government.


Walkers will get beefed up right to walk along beaches, cliffs, dunes and rocks with the Marine and Coastal Access Bill creating a national path.

What It Means For You: Stunning new views opened up.

Translation: If you own any coastline we're going to take away your property rights and allow people to sue you if they twist an ankle.


Old buildings protection to stop demolition will be simpler. The Heritage Protection Bill will stop Government having say on statues put up in London.

What It Means For You: Old buildings saved, more statues.

Translation: Waffle, waffle, rhubarb, people like old buildings and statues and this might make them think we're doing something to help but will have sod all effect.


Public bodies must show they treat workers fairly. Equality Bill allows all-women shortlists when parties pick candidates.

What It Means For You: More women MPs, checks on equal pay in town halls.

Translation: Public bodies must comply with existing employment law, (which they have to do already). Equality Bill will result in piss poor female candidates getting ahead in politics, (see Blears, etc.), but will give us something to shout at the Tories about if they don't go along with this stupid, illiberal, counterproductive idea.


The public will be able to vote on members of local police boards who will have some control over police priorities.

The Policing and Crime Reduction Bill will set national standards of numbers of bobbies on the beat.

It promises reduced police paperwork, more seizing of criminal assets and better protection for witnesses and victims of gun and gang crime.

What It Means For You: It will force police out on patrol and concentrate on crimes which cause the most misery.

Translation: Public will have so little control that it's simply not worth bothering with. National standards will be set, when they fail they will be reset, no overall effect other than wasting money coming up with standards. There will be no reduction in paperwork but they feel they have to say it. If charged with a crime you will have any chance of defending yourself removed as you will have no assets to hire a lawyer and you will be effectively denied legal aid. Witnesses and victims will get a leaflet on how to hide in hole in the ground.


Tougher airport security agreements and Navy powers to tackle piracy would be brought in by the Transport Security Bill.

What It Means For You: Less chance of terrorist attack.

Translation: We will produce various nonsense theatre that will help convince you that WWIII is about to break out. That way you wont object so much as we spend the rest of eternity stamping on your face while wearing jackboots, after all it's for your safety and protection.


The Treasury and Bank of England can intervene when banks face collapse - and Banking Reform Bill will ensure savers get their money back.

What It Means For You: Less chance of a Northern Rock.

Translation: We're not making many changes apart from giving the banks yet more forms to fill in but again, we felt we had to say something.


Savings by the less well-off could be matched pound for pound by the Government under the Savings Gateway Bill.

What It Means For You: Poorer savers could get hundreds out of the Treasury.

Translation: Look aren't we clever, we can bribe you with your own money!


Cash will be withheld from hospitals that get the thumbsdown from patients.

Patients will fill in questionnaires on what they think of the quality of service when they leave hospital.

The Health Service Reform Bill will bring in a constitution for the National Health Service which will guarantee that patients set standards.

The long-term sick will get a greater say on how money allocated to their care is spent.

What It Means For You: Good hospitals could expand and get busier. Bad hospitals will get worse and could close.

Translation: We want more paperwork and to give the illusion of competition so that when it all goes to hell, (next stop), we can blame the concept of competition, (oh and even more paperwork, it makes us feel all fuzzy inside).


The top tier of local government could tax bigger businesses to help local development under the Business Rate Bill.

What It Means For You: Business owners paying more to boost deprived areas.

Translation: Having bled you white we're going to put up taxes even more.


More powers for police to probe what people do online are provided in the Communications Data Bill.

What It Means For You: Will make evading authorities tougher for internet criminals.

Translation: Dangerous thing free speech, we'd like to put a stop to it.


Murder laws changed by Law Reform, Victims and Witnesses Bill with tougher punishments, more security for witnesses.

What It Means For You: Fewer thugs escaping justice due to scared witnesses.

Translation: We recon that if we take away your legal safeguards and stack prisoners like cordwood you will think we're doing something.


Town halls will get new powers to step in to sort out underperforming or "coasting" schools.

Parents will get the right to have more regular updates on their children's progress.

The Education and Skills Bill will also give all employees the right to take time off work for training.

What It Means For You: Bad schools taken over by private education firms or other schools. Emails to parents, possibly every week, on children's schooling.

Translation: We don't think teachers have enough paperwork to do, we also want yet more government interference in schools and to add to employer costs.


Families will be given new rights to appeal against coroner's verdicts by the Coroners and Death Certification Bill.

What It Means For You: No more complicated court battles to have verdicts overturned.

Translation: Coroners seem to have too much time on their hands or they wouldn't be criticising the government for shoddy equipment in Iraq or Afghanistan, this should keep them busy.


MPs will have the final say over international treaties.

The Constitutional Review Bill also reduces restrictions on protesting outside Parliament.

What It Means For You: More rows over EU treaties.

Translation: We don't want to have you horrible little proles having a say on the future of your country even though we promised to do so at the last election. Protesting outside parliament will now be punished with a cattle prod up the arse rather than a bullet in the face.


Aid workers will get the same protection afforded to UN staff under the Geneva Conventions and UN Personnel Bill.

What It Means For You: Reaffirms our commitment to the UN.

Translation: We like the UN, it makes us seem less corrupt by comparison.


The unemployed will be expected to learn new skills to help them back into work.

Medical teams will give incapacity benefit claimants a work "MoT" to try to get them back into jobs.

The Welfare Reform Bill will also toughen powers to make "deadbeat dads" contribute payments to their children's upbringing after a divorce or breakup.

What It Means For You: The unemployed will lose benefits if they do not take up training courses or turn up for Jobcentre interviews.

Translation: We're not going to do anything new with the welfare state but we will now have power to look at, disseminate, loose the details of and steal money directly from your account.

Still laughing?

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